Shagging the Ex - What Not to Do (A Guide)

I notice that the topic of ex-shagging hath been raised. Now, let's be serious for a moment. Shagging the ex is bad. Shagging the ex feels good for the hour or so of shaggage but will ultimately leave you clogged to your eyeballs in emotional baggage. You will also be left with a terrible urge to write awful, awful poetry. Don't do it kids, it's not worth it. Shagging the ex - just say no.

(Why are you still reading? You heard me. Don't. No. Bad. Niet. Tsk.)

(No, I MEAN IT. Go crochet or something. Gardening. Bird watching. There are many great things you can do with your time that don't involve having sex with your ex.)

(BaaaaaAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!)

All right! Fine. I'll level with ya. Shagging the ex feels AWESOME. Even if you had average sex during the relationship, let me be the first to tell you that breaking up improves things by about five thousand percent. And yeah, yada yada, there are drawbacks with the whole guilt, emotional manipulation, feelings of cheapness, etc etc, but hey that's the price you pay for one hell of a shag. And maybe you might just write a decent poem out of all the shit ones.

Anyway, the following is a list of things you shouldn't do. Not that I'd know or anything. *cough*

1. Don't shag the ex in your car. (Especially not behind Blacktown Subway)

2. Don't allow your ex to get you off using only your nipple and his tongue piercing.

3. Don't shag your ex to awesome music. (Especially not to 'Amnesiac' by Radiohead or 'Absolution' by Muse)

4. Don't shag your ex while stoned or drunk.

5. Don't let your ex tie you up regardless of how incredibly hot it is.

6. Don't shag your ex in the same month as shagging a different ex.

7. Don't shag your ex while in a relationship with someone else. (Even if the current relationship is about to end anyway)

8. Don't let your ex give you an innocent massage that turns into raunchy sex.

9. Don't write a book about how hot the sex was with your ex.

10. Just... don't. It's... ugh.... mmmmmm..... not worth it.

Excuse me, I suddenly remembered I have an urgent crocheting emergency to attend to...